Dating in your 30s or Modern Anguish Pt 2
Hopefully you’ve read Modern Anguish Part 1 where I’ve written about knowing yourself and what you want from dating before even beginning the swiping action, if not then what are you waiting for, get over there and have a read!
For those that have read it or you just want to hop to it then welcome stranger to Dating in your 30s or Modern Anguish Part 2…
Part 2
Arm yourself
No, not with a weapon but with knowledge of which app is a good fit for you.
There’s so many different apps out there with loads of features and bells and whistles that the choice can feel overwhelming.
I’m going to concentrate here on two of the most popular and just briefly describe their remit if you didn’t know already.
- Tinder
The app that started it all! I don’t know about that but yes, it’s a solid place to start.
Tinder at its core is the easiest app to understand in terms of concept — swipe right for yes and left for no.
In terms of it’s user I would say it’s pretty general, the algorithms suggest profiles of those who are most your “type” but you have to engage with the app a lot in order for this to really work, otherwise you’ll be swiping on a lot of people you’re not going to be into.
Personally I find it devoid of personality, it’s a bit of a grinder of faces and a lot of profiles tend to decry the app for their rubbish dating experiences.
There’s various features they’ve introduced which feels a bit overkill sometimes but it can be useful, again depending on your engagement level.
If you want just something to kill time with and quickly throw mud at the wall to see what sticks, then Tinder is the one for you.
- Hinge
Relatively new to the dating party, Hinge is a bit more refined than Tinder though it takes a little bit of getting used to.
Hinge’s schtick is it’s ‘designed to be deleted’ aka it suggests it’s more for people who want something lasting than its sister app in Tinder.
From my experience it makes very little difference to people’s behaviour overall though.
The major difference is the way you interact with the app, it’s a lot more considered in terms of User Interface meaning you have to press ‘X’ not swipe left on a profile if you’re not interested meaning you dwell a little longer on profiles.
Fun prompts and potential to leave voice memos on a profile helps to create more of a persona than the endless face party of Tinder.
As an aside, you can also choose your type in the settings option meaning the profiles you see are primarily more your type straight away than relying on hours of swiping to feed the algorithm.
Both apps have pluses and minuses but I swing more towards Hinge because you can select your type rather than scrolling thousands of profiles for someone who tickles your pickle. It’s up to you to determine which one fits your style and again there are other apps out there which you can try besides these two, it’s just a good starting point, and don’t forget you can always sign up to all the apps but be careful of spinning too many plates because you also have a life to hold down too.
Profile pitfalls
As this next section suggests, I’m going to add below what to look out for on others’ profiles and what to add to make yours viable. This is by no means an exhaustive list, it’s just to give your BS radar a bit of an update — unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you will engage with a fair share of time wasters out there.
- Them
Here’s a couple of red flags to look out for when scrolling profiles that I tend to click X or swipe left on. They’re not necessarily deal-breakers but just something to be aware of, so use your own discretion.
All selfies
This is when all the photos of the person are taken by them of their face. Self-explanatory. Usually means the person has quickly knocked up a profile and doesn’t really care, they’re slightly self obsessed and / or insecure, and maybe they’re not confident opening up their world which brings with it its own problems.
Billy No-Mates
Lack of photos with others is always a bit disconcerting. You tend to wonder why this person has lots of photos of themselves in long-shots performing various poses. Maybe they’re socially incapable, maybe they’re looking for their next personal photographer? Whatever it may be overly staged photos without a sniff of a buddy usually points to an attention seeking nature where you’ll likely be chasing shadows for replies if you match with them.
Instagram handle
Got to love modern technology, Instagram has created a platform where anyone can be famous. But I always wonder why people have, what for me feels like, a personal entryway into their lives by including their Instagram name on their dating profile — we all know Instagram is just a snapshot into someone’s life and not the real deal, so why do it? It could also suggest they’re looking for more followers to boost their profile views rather than actually trying to give you a glimpse into their life, especially if their profile is set to ‘private’.
Dry captions or little effort
They have a half second shot to sell themselves to a complete stranger, by making little to no effort with their ‘about me’ section or prompts they’re telling you nothing about themselves and its all image, no party. Worth bearing in mind in you like someone to have fun with.
‘Best-life’ photos
If a profile looks too good to be true (aka your dream with photos of that person on a sun-drenched beach or white-water rafting whilst they’re juggling or something) it probably is. The person cares more about your perception of their achievements than really wanting to date a “norm” like me or you. Maybe they should go use ‘Elite Singles’ or whatever…
- You
You wouldn’t go to a job interview unshaven and with your hair dishevelled, nor would you choose to keep the passport photo you’ve just taken with one of your eyes half closed. So why cultivate half-baked dating app profiles?!
You get back what you put in and if you’re serious about dating people you like the look and sound of then you too have to make that effort with your profile.
Don’t forget, that dating is threading the eye of a needle, i.e. think of all the other suitors out there for the profile you just liked — you get the smallest of shots.
Choose tasteful photos
No one cares if you’re a gym rat and have a hunk body or whether you can swim with dolphins these are overtly narcissistic traits that show you care more about people’s perceptions of you.
If you don’t have any natural photos then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your social life and go out into the real world and explore and forget about dating for a while, I kid you not.
Oh. And make sure the majority of your photos fall within the last 6 months. You don’t want to be that Catfish story.
Mix it up
Whilst we’re on photos, adding a mixture of selfies, hangs with friends, beach shots etc is so painfully obvious but people don’t do it.
Like your favourite record, top load the profile, what I mean by this is put your best photos and videos first. Again you have a split second to impress a potential partner, if the first image of you is of you huddled in a friend group then think again — people are lazy they don’t want to have to figure out who you are.
The good thing most apps offer is the choice of adding videos too if you like that kind of thing, it’s kind of cool but again balance is key.
Add some profile info
I get typing ‘about me’s’ are time consuming but being lazy and adding nothing about yourself or just ‘.’ to prompts make you appear aloof. Even if what you type is a bit geeky you’re being you and that’s all anyone can ask.
Be honest (with them and yourself)
Setting up your preferences on apps is actually when you stare into the mirror, be honest about yourself and what you want. If you have children say so. Or you have a height preference input it. Don’t lie about your age. If people don’t match with you because of these things they’re not the types for you anyway.
A match!
Hooray! And well done. Nothing beats that hit of serotonin when you match with someone, so you quickly check their profile and this is it! This could be the one!
So you quickly cultivate a response, “Hey, how was the weekend?” then fire it off never to be replied to.
“Why?!” you cry dejected into your mug of Nescafe Gold Blend. Why indeed friend.
The answer, because there’s nothing attractive about receiving a message as bland as “hey” or “hi, how are you?” or “how was the weekend?”. Imagine being that person who’s received that hundreds of times?
Being overly wacky and obtuse also smacks of trying too hard.
The best course of action is to scan through the profile and comment on something they’ve got going on. Or you can try to come up with something original but see “wacky” above.
Avoid coming across as not caring because it’s about getting back what you put in. Take the time with a well thought out opening line.
Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone
Good ol’ Blondie, what a segue huh?!
Anyway, we’ve all seen ‘Catfish’. y’know the drill, person gets in contact with another romantic interest but somehow has never met / seen them for weeks or even months until they do and they’re not the person they thought.
This point isn’t about them being a Catfish however it’s more to do with the notion of keeping something going via text / calls for weeks without meeting the person.
I know because I’ve done this a bunch of times and never learn.
It goes like this: you match with someone who you find attractive then start the conversation and it’s fantastic, it flows and it’s easy, over to WhatsApp you go. A week passes, maybe they’re out of town or maybe you’re celebrating Xmas back home. You tease each other with selfies, voice notes, building up this amazing picture in your head. You finally meet. You’re both like “meh” and all that labour, the hard work of greasing the wheel was kind of for nothing.
It sucks to be honest, it’s the biggest anti-climax of all and it’s led me to delete dating app after dating app.
Bottom line: if you match and you get on well, nail that date down, sooner the better. Doesn’t have to be this protracted thing unless you’re putting that person on the back burner intentionally which in itself is a problem with modern dating the concept of “next best thing”.
Organise that date, keep text chat light, all the good stuff save for the date itself to keep the fire burning, that way you have more to discover and hopefully it’ll naturally lead to another date further down the line.
Great expectations
This follows on from the above. That space you’ve created where you’re constantly messaging and voice noting that person can lead very quickly to you creating this portrait in your head which when it goes south can leave you feeling gutted.
Having limited to no expectations when going into a date can often lead it to going very well. Placing that person on a pedestal doesn’t and is a suggestion that you’re placing too much emphasis and faith into the date and them.
In my opinion this might mean you need to get to know / work on yourself before going back out to date.
Spinning plates
You’ve seen those tricksters on TV spinning cheap white plates on bamboo sticks to keep as many up in the air for as long as possible? Well the same applies to dating.
I would say it’s worth having a few options going when you get into the thick of it but, again, be respectful of people’s feelings and your own.
What I mean here is, it’s fine to cultivate different dating experiences but don’t treat people like commodities and flake out one date in favour of a “better one” if you’ve arranged already something with the first person.
Use the in-app chat function to determine who you’ll likely get on with in real-life most and then arrange dates with those people.
It’s also worth being careful of putting all your eggs in one basket, because this can lead to maximum disappointment if things don’t go well, so in that sense, having a few different people to date negates this ‘all in’ approach.
Coffee dates
Who doesn’t like a drink (bar people who don’t drink)? We’ve spent 2 years part-time in our houses and the concept of getting back into the pub or a bar is something many of us have missed.
But going for drinks with a potential date opens up Pandora’s Box of social faux pas (such as the butt-clenching kiss lean in that’s not reciprocated — always a winner that one).
I’m not saying don’t go for a drink, but dates are volatile things, adding extra volatility to it can end up messy, sometimes fun admittedly, but messy. Again, use your own discretion.
Sober dates sound dull but it’ll give you a better idea of whether you’ll get on with that person in the future without your senses being muted.
Being bold to suggest something different for a date also gives you added kudos. Plus it makes it more fun for everyone than just going “shall we meet at the ‘The Dove’ on Broadway Market for a drink?”.
Alcohol can also apply a certain expectation once you get past a certain point in the evening. Again, if that’s a mutual thing and both of you want it then fine. But waking up next day feeling ropey and a head full of regret is not something I find appealing these days.
…
Conclusion
I hope the above has helped give you some preparation for getting your hands dirty and getting yourself out there as daunting as it may seem, and, for the old hands and veterans, a fresh perspective they can use to fuel their future dating experiences.
Again, it’s striking a balance of knowing what awaits and throwing yourself into the maelstrom that is online dating.
The most important aspect is to have fun and enjoy yourself but also be respectful of others and yourself.
In the next and final part of Modern Anguish, I will be looking at “what’s next” post date and whether your world will ever be the same again…
