Dating in your 30s or Modern Anguish Pt 3
So you’ve read Dating in your 30s Part 2, you’ve armed yourself with a dating app of your choosing, you’ve been engaged in a flurry of texts back and forth, you’ve even had yourself a date…
Now what??
Well, that’s what our final part of the series deals with; the aftermath and next steps, so put down your phone and pour yourself a herbal tea and join me for Dating in your 30s or Modern Anguish Part 3!
Ghosting
If there’s something strange and it don’t look good… who ya gonna call?!
I actually wish there was a group of ghost busting folk out there who could round up those who felt the need to drop off the face of the earth without explanation.
No doubt at some point this will or has happened to you; we all know the drill — you’re getting to know someone on an app, it’s going very well, you meet up, great date or three… then *poof* as if by magic they no longer respond to your messages. At all. And you’ll never know why they vanished leaving you to piece together a Scooby Doo mystery minus the fun, talking dogs.
This has happened to me a whole host of times and also very recently and it sucks each and every time.
Modern life has allowed for people to hide behind their phones when they don’t want to offer an honest reason as to why they might not be feeling it.
It sucks, it hurts, but ultimately it says more about them than you.
Equally, please don’t be the one ghosting, yes being honest is hard, if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work and take that grilling. But that’s the responsibility of dating apps, you hold a powerful tool in your hand so use it wisely.
N.b. The only time I see merit in ghosting is when you’re at the early stages of messaging people, sometimes there’s just nothing after a few texts and replies, it just meets its natural point and dissipates.
Ignore the noise
I love this saying, so much so I have a post it note on my wall with it written on. But enough about me, what do I mean when I say this, what is ignoring the noise?!
In short it’s another way of saying “comparison is the thief of joy.”
As we all know, socials have a habit of making us hook into comparing our lives with all our friends, that’s what they’re (brilliantly) designed for.
Seeing Bill and Ben, or your pub mates dwindle because they’re settling down makes you pine for romance too. And this is where the socio-philosophical theory of Mimetic Desire comes into play. Essentially you desire what your friends have; in this instance a relationship.
But hold on there partner! What if, and this is the clincher, you’re not ready or truly want that relationship but you’re acting on mimesis?
If you’ve had a bunch of dates, they haven’t gone as expected and you’re not feeling it then it’s cool to say “y’know what, it’s been fun but it’s not doing it for me.”
Don’t keep trying your luck on dating apps just because your friends are in relationships or whatever, you’ll just burn yourself out and it happens quickly believe me.
Basically, you do you. Ignore the ‘noise’ of everyone else, what socials are saying etc. Plough your own furrow, use the apps as / when you feel it’s right for you and if it doesnt happen it doesn’t happen. Meh.
“These things take time”
To quote ‘The Smiths’, these things take time.
Films, telly shows and books would have us believe romance is waiting around every corner and we’ll be star struck with love on that first date.
The more jaded amongst us will tell you that is a lie! :)
Apps have made dating easier but have also sped up the revolving door process of quick fire rejection. If we meet someone in real life and they have something we’re not entirely sure on then it’s back to the app you go.
Ok, so if you don’t have a slight spark with the other person then fair enough, it’s never going to work. But equally, if there’s something, even if it isn’t this colossal love affair you first thought it might be owing to lengthy Whatsapp conversations about your mutual joy for avocados, then explore it.
Take the time to see what happens.
Have fun with it, go into the dates with low expectations that way everything on top is bonus.
Writing people off because they don’t live up to their “best lives” depicted on Instagram is not fair.
Ultimately, we’re all trying to impress in some way shape or form but being honest and yourself is the best tonic for online dating. Exploring your vulnerability is hard because others might not respect it but like the football saying goes “we go again next week” if it doesn’t go to plan. Don’t dwell and take the rejection personally.
One caveat though, if it’s starting to become a chore, give yourself time away and fill that space with something else until you feel ready to get back to it.
“Do nothing”
It seems kinda counter intuitive to say “do nothing” when this Magna Carta series has been focused on the intrinsics of app dating!
But there comes a point when just doing nothing is the best option.
I’ve been there when I’ve been desperately swiping hoping to find that killer profile and then when you do stumble onto one you’ll fire off some whack intro line — people can smell the desperation even via the internet.
As I’ve written above, if dating becomes a chore and not the fun of getting to meet and hang out with new people then step back from it and do nothing.
As much as you can analyse and attempt to engage with the apps as per my recommendations in Pt 2 you can never truly predict how it will go. Just roll with the punches and don’t overthink it. Easier said than done admittedly but that’s part of the joys of app dating.
Conclusion
Dating is modern anguish but I hope some of my titbits have been useful to both newbies and old hands and help take the edge off looking for romance by way of an app!
For me, the whole point of dating is to be fun and the chance to meet new people and I’ve had a lot of fun over the years but unfortunately haven’t clicked with anyone romantically. And maybe I never will but you have to be in it to win it and I’ve had some great experiences (and some funny stories) shared.
One valuable lesson I’ve learned through my time dating is to be honest and I’ve stressed this a number of time throughout my pieces I appreciate. It has been difficult but if you go in and be vulnerable and yourself you won’t let you down even if it takes a lot of courage to be that open.
So to you bold dating adventurer, go forth, have dates, enjoy the opportunities and who knows what’ll happen — but that’s the best bit right, the unknown!
See you next time maybe :)
